moving on

http://reslurrection.livejournal.com/

i love you but i guess it is not enough.

i get this sense of prediction

This feeling of loss.

This isn't what you or i need

but it is all i got.

( --- )

yesterday was spent drinking on a boat. it was fun. maybe i'll remember it forever.

(maybe i'll forget)

maybe memories are currency somewhere and i'll buy a kitten or a tortoise and give it a home, because this memory is worth more than others. i remember cleaning my room, too, and finding pieces of a necklace and that would be worth maybe a stick of gum.

and there are some that i would not sell at all. like this morning, and two days ago, and the hour i spent in that tree when edith came to find me and sat in my lap.

because i am the only one that remembers these things besides you, now, anonymous interentity, and i am the only one that cares.

I want to walk but my legs are tired.

why is this happening

( ..? )

Wake up and face me,
don't play dead, 'cause maybe
Someday, I will walk away and say;
You disappoint me,
Maybe you're better off this way.

Oh god. A New Year's resolution.

Uh.

I guess I'm going to try to be more outgoing.

Or do well in school.

Or something else really vague.

Green Tea...
You are Green Tea!
Strong and very smart you prefer peace to violence
and very rarely take action if it involves
confrontation. But you make up for this with
your keen insight and understanding of the
world and people around you, you have a very
mysterious nature. Many people see you as laid
back and that may be true, but you are very
intelligent and make good decisions.


What type of Tea are you? {-With Anime Pictures!-}
brought to you by Quizilla

I think it started out on a highway, and I was on a horse or in a car, on the side of the road. I got out to do something, and then came back to the car and there was someone there but somehow I got back in the car and then there was a cop and I was afraid he would think I was stealing it.

Then

For some reason I was by myself, somewhere, like a hotel. Then I was in a mcdonalds, but they didn't have prices or anything on the menu, and there were almost no non-beef things. The lady gave me a special menu with just chicken because I told her that was all I would eat. I think the cat was with me then, because I remember wanting to buy something for it to eat, too. I only had 20 dollars, and I wanted pizza but it was like 30.

I remember being somewhere with my parents, and I had a horse, but it disappeared somehow. We were in like a dude ranch or a camp thing, but there was some sort of threat. Then this old woman (or at least she had let a note) somehow gave me this kitten. It was orange and white and a girl.

Then my parents and I tried to steal the dude ranch horses (I think mine was a bay) and escape from something. But the horses wouldn't listen, and while we were trying to escape I kept almost losing the cat, but every time I would either just hold on to it or I would find it again.

Then I was with Lyssa and dennis, and we escaped by hitching a ride on this eagle, which was huge, and it managed to drop us somewhere near kerrville on the only soft patch of ground I saw, right next to a road. I remember thinking this was lucky. We were near like this small cabin (like a public restroom) and a bamboo stand. Then we were in the mazda, driving towards kerrville. I said something about how I would be more relieved to be home after this than after canada. Lyssa and Dennis acted surprised.

In kerrville (I remember seeing the stoplight and that YO thing or whatever right before you turn) we stopped a a shop somewhere, and I was with my mom again. We went into this aisle and this woman was holding up a bomb (but it was a tampon) and then suddenly the cat was a tampon, too and I set it off and knocked the woman down with the explosion, and then the cat was a giant red rubberfoam phone with white cotton growing off of it like a beard, and I was pulling it off, and then I said 'your name is One-y. Do you like it?' and from behind me a voice said 'I love it' and there was a girl there, with long blonde hair.

I was holding a kitchen knife, asking why I had it, and lyssa said she had hidden the car in the bamboo because she thought we might need it. I could feel myself waking up at this point, and in the dream I knew it, and I told lyssa about the cat, and how it had been with us the whole time, but now because I was waking up it had disappeared, and I missed it. Then I lifted my arm, and the cat was on the other side, looking at me.

Ahahaha!

I don't think I'm going to get that theater thing done.

Yesterday was very fun. Today was not so much.

Monday I think I would like to eat alone, or relatively so. I wonder if they'd be okay with me dropping them off.

Because I can only take so much of this mindless banter, and I'm sick of not knowing. I don't see why I should feel guilty for things I am not sure I have done.

Today Psychology took a turn for the better, and theater a turn for the worse. I am 27th in my class, with a GPA of 3.4 and I don't know if I'll get in to UT or not. I mean, I said I would, but they'll hardly accept me simply because I said so.

I wish people would just speak their mind. I cannot respond to what you don't tell me.

( Ha. )

I think this adequately expresses my feelings for the day.

Print?

Okay!

I should get away from the internet.

Emo begets emo.

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( See legowen's results. )

because there were too many things I couldn't answer last time.

The football game sucked, and we lost. I don't know if that really is bad or not, though.

And then on the way home John starts talking about aliens abducting the car and ghosts and stuff and so I was paranoid for the whole five minute drive from his house to mine. And then I slept.

And then I did nothing in theater. Nothing. The only thing I did do (glue my drawings of shirt to the paper) were completely optional. wtf.

I finally drew something I find meaningful.

but the scanner sucks so I'm not going to bother.

I just thought this was noteworthy.

(I have rediscovered nine inch nails)

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Post your results.
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I was reading through old entries, and there was always a sort of awareness to my depression.

Have I lost it? Or has it just become so integrated I don't see it any more?

I don't know.

I don't know if I miss it or not.

(is it a good thing to be happy in high school?)

I get the camera and Mrs. Young tells me there is film in it.

I sit down and open the back, exposing the film. Stupid.

Film is exposed so I pull it out and realize it was pretty short anyway, so I roll a new cartridge and put it in my bag.

Get home and try to load camera. Discover that I rolled film backwards and will not go in camera. Go into bathroom, turn off lights, pull it out and re-roll it, but figure film is screwed as was not completely dark.

Take random pictures of cats (so as not to waste good pictures on crap film).

Go to lunch and take random pictures. Notice that camera is not advancing, but still allowing me to take pictures.

Realize I forgot to tape film to cartridge, and thus I now have an empty cartridge and a roll of film around spool on other side.

Get to Photog, go into darkroom and open camera back. Take out film and (despite handicap of not being able to alter ends) roll it perfectly onto spool.

Notice with my fingers that it is upside down (matte side up instead of glossy).

Think: fuck it.

Wait for Kaitlin to roll hers, and begin process.

Pour in developer. Start clock.

About a minute later realize clock has only moved five seconds. Try to time it with watch, but now figure film is doubly-fucked as is overdeveloped.

Pour out developer, pour in stop. Kaitlin, reaching for paper towels, knocks stop over. Goes everywhere. We use the rest of paper towels.

I begin to smell tacos. Realize vent is not on. We figure we have brain damage.

Film comes out almost completely black (somehow managed to get something like trees in one or two frames), as expected.

Go to lunch with John. Drop pennies everywhere, then forget lunch as I walk out of store.

Luckily John was there and was able to help. Somehow I managed to drive without dying.

Yay mishaps!

So I'm learning the thai king's anthem.

Today was fun.

That is all.

I spent most of today trying to keep my essence from leaking out my nose.

The other forty minutes was spent trying to understand what the hell shearhart was going on about.

Oh!

And then in EM I made myself into a mermaid.

It isn't done, though.

I saw Acayla's thing at the Cabaret. It was pretty cool, except the line-forgetting, and funny aswell. Then Lindsay, Nicole, and I walked around and looked at the shops and I got this cool necklace that is a piece of china (like china dishes) that had been cut to fit a little frame. It is black and it has a black rose embossed on it.

My soul is dark like it.